BDSM_Conflict_Resolution's topics - tribe.net

Naughty Gifts for Naughty Adults

2007-11-24T17:01:13Z

WearablePorn.com

Naughty Gifts for Naughty Adults

Original fine art erotica t-shirts, posters, framed prints, greeting cards and more.

http://www.wearableporn.com

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 2 replies

Online Lifetyle Community

2007-10-26T03:37:18Z

Greetings fellow lifestyler's. I would like to share a link to a new lifestyle community called The Adult Symposium. Tired of the fake and just plain nasty people which overrun many of the free lifestyle sites, we decided to set up a site with more of a community feel to it. While there are dating functions to the site, that is not it's strength or primary focus. We don't charge our members, nor do we have any intention to. We remember the good old days of the Usenet groups, where people freely exchanged their interests and information, and we remember why that was good. We're looking to network and exchange members and information with other online communities, such as the various lifestyle Tribes, as well as local groups from all over. We're hoping to share a friendly, educational and fun experience with other lifestyler's from around the world, and would love to hear from you as well. If anyone would be interested in working on areas of exchange, such as informational articles, local or online gatherings and events, or any other creative ways of networking, we would love to hear your ideas. If you'd like to stop by and say hello, our website is located at:

www.adultsymposium.com

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

Special "Help Jay Get To LLC" bargains

2007-03-24T20:50:57Z

Hi all,

To help cover the cost of my plane fare to the Leather Leadership Conference (LLC) in Minneapolis next month, I'm offering special discounts on autographed copies of my books and DVD.

My presentation (assuming that I can raise the funds to get there <G>) will be on organizational liability regarding presenters. This is an issue that can be critically important to the survival of an organization. Your help in making sure I can get there to give the presentation will be greatly appreciated.

For a limited time, the following items are for sale directly by me at the following prices, which include first-class postage:

DVD: "Jay Wiseman Teaches Basic Rope Bondage" (More than two hours of instruction on the theory and practice of rope bondage.) Special Price: $29.00

"SM 101: A Realistic Introduction -- Special price: $24.00

"Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook" -- Special price $15.00

"Tricks...to Please A Man" -- Special price: $12.00

"Tricks...to Please A Woman" -- Special price: $12.00

"Dungeon Emergencies and Supplies -- Special Price: $9.00 (highly recommended for DMs.)

Reminder: these are all autographed by me and for sale at a discount.

To get these items for these prices, please write to me at jaywiseman@yahoo.com (jaywiseman at yahoo dot com) for ordering information and mention the "LLC Discount."

For more information about the items, please check out

http://www.jaywiseman.com/MER_000.html

Please forward this as you think appropriate.

Orders received by April 1 would be especially helpful.

Best regards, and thanks for the help,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Call for anecdotes # 2 -- BDSM Bloopers, Blunders, and Disasters

2006-11-16T20:38:15Z

Hi all,

Response to my initial call for anecdotes has been substantial. Many people are happy to share the valuable lessons they've learned from experience.

I'm hoping to have at least 100 of them for the book, with all of the collected by the end of November. At this time, with November about half gone, I have about half of the anecdotes that I need, so I'm putting out this second call.

If you have a story about something unexpected that happend during BDSM play, and how the incident taught you an important lesson, by all means please take this opportunity to share your experience.

Please include whether or not you want to be identified, and if so how you want to be identified.

The original call for anecdotes is below.

As with the first announcement, by all means please feel free to widely forward this.

Best regards,

Jay

www.jaywiseman.com

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Given that my “BDSM Bloopers, Blunders, and Disasters” program has proven so popular, I’ve decided that it’s time to 1) “freshen the crop” of stories and 2) compile them into book form. I’m therefore putting out this call for anecdotes to be included in the newest version.

To be included, an anecdote must meet both of the following criteria:

1. An unexpected event has to have occurred during actual BDSM play. (A “near miss” counts as an event.)

2. As a result of the incident, you learned something useful, something that you’d like to share with others, about how to engage in BDSM play. (I noticed that many of the stories in the earlier group chose to end as follows: “The moral of the story is….”)

Also, if at all possible, the event must be one that you were personally involved in. No “friend of a friend” incidents unless they can be independently verified.

Anecdotes must not identify any other person unless that person has consented. All anecdotes will be lightly edited for readability, and all identifying information will be deleted unless specifically requested otherwise.

I’m especially interested in anecdotes that generated a strong emotional response, be it laughter, horror, chagrin, delight, anger, relief, remorse, dawning realization, and so forth.

Anecdotes can be up to 1000 words long (or longer if absolutely necessary), although many excellent stories in the earlier group were considerably shorter.

If your anecdote is selected for inclusion in the book, you will receive a free copy of the book shortly after it is published and, if you wish, a mention by the name of your choice on the book’s “thank you” page.

I’m hoping to have the list finished within the next 30 days. (Today is November 1, 2006.)

Please send your anecdotes to me at jaywiseman@yahoo.com

Please forward this announcement widely.

Best regards to all,

Jay Wiseman

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Call for anecdotes -- BDSM Bloopers, Blunders, and Disasters

2006-11-02T00:46:03Z

Hi all,

Given that my “BDSM Bloopers, Blunders, and Disasters” program has proven so popular, I’ve decided that it’s time to 1) “freshen the crop” of stories and 2) compile them into book form. I’m therefore putting out this call for anecdotes to be included in the newest version.

To be included, an anecdote must meet both of the following criteria:

1. An unexpected event has to have occurred during actual BDSM play. (A “near miss” counts as an event.)

2. As a result of the incident, you learned something useful, something that you’d like to share with others, about how to engage in BDSM play. (I noticed that many of the stories in the earlier group chose to end as follows: “The moral of the story is….”)

Also, if at all possible, the event must be one that you were personally involved in. No “friend of a friend” incidents unless they can be independently verified.

Anecdotes must not identify any other person unless that person has consented. All anecdotes will be lightly edited for readability, and all identifying information will be deleted unless specifically requested otherwise.

I’m especially interested in anecdotes that generated a strong emotional response, be it laughter, horror, chagrin, delight, anger, relief, remorse, dawning realization, and so forth.

Anecdotes can be up to 1000 words long (or longer if absolutely necessary), although many excellent stories in the earlier group were considerably shorter.

If your anecdote is selected for inclusion in the book, you will receive a free copy of the book shortly after it is published and, if you wish, a mention by the name of your choice on the book’s “thank you” page.

I’m hoping to have the list finished within the next 30 days. (Today is November 1, 2006.)

Please send your anecdotes to me at jaywiseman@yahoo.com

Please forward this announcement widely.

Best regards to all,

Jay Wiseman

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Tribe taken back over by Mark?

2006-10-26T12:03:52Z

Hi all,

In the "Tribe Moderators" tribe, and presumably a few others, is news that Tribe is back under Marks' ownership. Assuming that this is true, and it certainly seems to be true, the question then becomes: So what? Below is a rant regarding my concerns and feelings about the current situation "around here" -- hopefully you will find it useful to read. It's also posted (as of now, anyway) in the Tribe Moderator's tribe.

Best,

Jay

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hmmmm, I will regard this as, if not good news, then at least as not necessarily bad news.

For me, the main question, and indeed pretty much the ONLY question, is what about those utterly dreadful, self-contradictory, outright irrrational, and capriciously enforced TOUs?

Also, will BDSM people still be considered human slime by senior Tribe management?

Starting with the great TOU debacle a while ago, senior Tribe management made it much more than very clear that they didn't want "our kind" around here. Since then, I have not been able to feel that either reading or posting to Tribe is a morally clean act for anyone engaged in any sort of alternative sexuality -- be it BDSM, poly, or what have you. I have occasionally gritted my teeth and done so anyway, and when I have posted I have also frequently encouraged people to take their eyeballs and their content over to www.free-association.net, where there is _NO_ doubt that we "alternative types" are genuinely welcome.

Before they changed their TOU in the dreadful way they did, I used to spend over an hour composing long, thoughtful essays for posting here. Since that change, there is not a fucking chance in hell that I would contribute to this place in that way. Since then, I have always felt slightly hypocritial for reading or posting on this site at all. I just can't see it as a morally clean act. Sometimes I do so anyway, and take a shower afterwards.

So I guess we'll have to see. If Mark (or whomever) makes it _unmistakenly_clear_ that "alternative types" like me are _genuinely_welcomed_ here -- not merely "tolerated" or "permitted" mind you, but genuinely welcomed, and I will be examing any language they use on this point very, very closely for any signs of ambiguity or evasiveness on that specific point, then I'll see.

It would also help if they were to explicitly, publicly apologize for and disown the past unfair and discriminatory policies.

If they want to move it back to being the magical, very hip place that it was, great. OTOH, if the new management wants it to continue of have all the advertureousness and free-spiritedness of -- to use their own phrase -- an "online Starbucks" then, as the old saying goes, include me out.

Until they do those things, I'll continue to do everything I can to encourage people to go over to www.free-association.net and to stay the hell away from this place. Remember folks, it's all about "eyeballs to advertisers" -- and given how things currently are here on Tribe I just cannot make myself feel morally clean about providing my eyeballs and encouraging others to provide theirs, for free, for Tribe's profitability.

Why, oh why, should I contribute, for free, to the well-being of a for-profit corporation that considers me an undesirable? This is especially true now, when a quite adequate, explicitly welcoming alternative, is very readily available. More to the point, why should you?

Very sincerely,

Jay Wiseman, JD
Please join me over at www.free-association.net

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

I Want My Thrills!/Learned Hand Test

2006-08-13T21:01:45Z

Hi all,

While nowadays I strive to avoid posting meaningful content to Tribe (helping increase the profits of a corporation that has made it very clear that they don't want "our kind" around _really grates on me), I nonetheless decided to post the following essays here. They were recently posted in an association I moderate called "BDSM Risk Management" over on www.free-association.net. Those of you who are not already "over there" are hereby cordially invited to join the vibrant and growing BDSM community there.

Best,

Jay

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I Want My Thrills! The Misadventures of Doofus
Defendant

by Jay Wiseman, JD
jaywiseman@yahoo.com

One of the ways that my thinking has changed since I got my law degree is that I have a much clearer understanding of how a court is likely to make a decision, should a severe injury or death occur, as to whether or not the behavior that led up to the injury or death was reasonable, negligent, or reckless.

In particular, if a given activity with little social utility has a foreseeable but small probability of causing a very serious harm, and a person chooses to engage in the activity because they wanted the associated thrill, and the foreseeable harm results, then that person is fully liable, both civilly and criminally, for causing the harm.

That the harm had a low probability of occurring is _not_ a defense in a court of law.

That they did not intend to cause the harm that resulted is _not_ a defense in a court of law.

Let me give you an example. Let's say that we've got Doofus Defendant, who lives way out in an isolated part of his county on a back country road. While most of it curves, this county road happens to have a four-mile long straight stretch to it. Every day and every night, on his way to or home from work, Doofus likes to see how fast he can get his car going on that long straight-away. He enjoys the thrill. Even though the posted speed limit is 35, Doofus has learned that he can get his ride up to 90 on that long straight-away before he has to slow down for the upcoming curve.

He does this on his way to and home from work every single morning and night for over five years. In other words, he does this twice a day times five workdays a week times fifty working weeks per year times five years. That means that he does it over 2500 times with no harm to anybody.

Doofus knows that he _could_ hit somebody at that speed, especially at night, and if he did then he'd probably kill them, but hey, nobody is _ever_ there, so no problem, right? It's just not gonna happen. Besides, he really enjoys the thrill.

Then, one winter night, when it's dark while he comes home from work, Doofus has gotten his ride up to 80 mph, just like he's harmlessly done thousands of times before, when a naked male pedestrian looms in the road just ahead of him. (It later turns out that the guy was dropped off there, naked, as part of a fraternity initiation.)

Because Doofus is "over-driving" his headlights, he has absolutely no chance to miss the guy. What this means is that Doofus gets a _very_ brief glimpse of the pedestrian in his headlights, complete with the look of growing surprise on the guy's face, before Doofus plows into the pedestrian, killing him instantly.

Legally speaking, Doofus is _FUCKED_.

More properly, Doofus is looking at a second-degree murder charge under a "reckless endangerment" theory.

Let's say that again: Second-degree murder.

Second degree fucking A murder.

In California, that's 15 years to life, and because California is a "truth in sentencing" state,
Doofus will have to do at least 85% of his minimum sentence (twelve years and nine months) before he even sees a parole board, and California parole boards, nowadays, are notoriously reluctant to grant parole to murderers.

Think about that. Stop for a moment and think about that.

Because he wanted his thrills, he drove his car in a reckless manner and his recklessness put other people in harm's way. Somebody died as a result of his choosing to engage in reckless behavior to get his thrills. The fact that his driving had a low probability of causing anybody harm because he did it on a back-country road that "nobody" ever walks on is _not_ a defense he can raise. Doofus is a murderer.

Under the law, it's foreseeable that somebody may be walking on an isolated back-country at night because it's a public road and people have a right to walk there. Therefore Doofus has a non-excusable duty to drive with due care. Had Doofus been on his own private property, he might have had a "low probability of harm" defense because the naked guy would likely have been a trespasser and as a general rule no duty is owed to undiscovered trespassers, but here Doofus was on a public road, so he doesn't have that defense. He's liable for any foreseeable harm caused by his recklessness.

That gay man who "only punches guys over thirty" in the chest is taking _precisely_ the same sort of risk.

I want my thrills! I want my thrills, and I get them from putting my partner's life in danger! Yeah, I know that _hypothetically_ they could die from what I'm doing to them, but don't harsh my buzz, man. Besides, there's almost no chance that they'll really die. And like I said, I want my thrills!

Tell the judge all about it, at your sentencing hearing.

Very sincerely,

Jay Wiseman, JD

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Learned Hand Test As Applied to BDSM
by Jay Wiseman, JD
jaywiseman@yahoo.com

Hi all,

A couple of quick comments.

Nobody, especially me, is advocating "then let's just ban everything" or something along those lines. Actually, that's an example of the "slippery slope" logical fallacy.

As to where do draw the line, the _courts_ commonly draw the line by using what's called the "risk/utility" test, originally put forth by Justice Learned Hand. (Gad, what a great name. BTW, he just may have been poly.) If something you do lands you in court, be it civil or criminal, there is a very high probability that this is the test by which what you chose to do will be judged. Let's therefore take a closer look at it.

Anyhow, the "Hand" test balances four factors, two on each side.

On the one side, we have...

1. The social utility of the conduct.

2. The foreseeability of the type of harm and the risk of harm to others that engaging in the conduct will produce, and the burden of preventing or reducing the likelihood that the conduct will result in harm.

(Essentially all activity we engage in creates some type and degree of risk of harm to others, however that certainly _doesn't_ mean that everything we do is either negligent or reckless.)

On the other side we have…

3. The probability that harm will result, and

4. The severity of the harm that will result.

The court applies what's called a "balancing test" to these four factors. If the court determines that #1 and #2 outweigh #3 and #4, then the conduct is not negligent and there is no liability.

OTOH, if #3 and #4 are found to outweigh #1 and #2, then the conduct is negligent and there is liability. Negligence can be briefly described as a failure to act as a reasonable person would have acted under the same or similar circumstances and such failure causes damage. If a death results from such negligence, then it's likely to be charged as involuntary manslaughter -- which, in California, can even be charged as a misdemeanor if something like careless driving of a car is involved.

Further, if #3 and #4 _greatly_ outweigh #1 and #2, then under civil law the conduct rises to the level of what's called, depending on which legal authority you consult, "gross negligence," "reckless endangerment," or "willful and wanton misconduct." Should a Death occur and result in criminal prosecution, it's known in criminal law by the rather vivid and poetic term of "depraved heart murder" and typically chargeable as second-degree murder

Gross negligence (or whatever substitute term you wish to use) can be briefly described as choosing to engage in behavior with a knowing disregard that the behavior creates a substantial risk of causing harm and with no justification or excuse for doing so.

IN PARTICULAR, a high "severity of harm" (death or great bodily injury) can outweigh a low "probability of harm" enough to put the behavior over into the negligent or even reckless category.

In terms of what we do, under the "Hand" test this shakes out as follows:

I'm willing to argue that there is some social utility in what we do. Sexual arousal and play are good things. So #1 is satisfied.

Further, in much of what we do, there are meaningful precautions that we can take to reduce the probability and/or severity of type of unintentional injury that it is foreseeable might result. So #2 is satisfied.

Regarding #3 and #4, for most of what we do there is a low probability of causing harm and/or the resultant harm is not likely to be severe.

For example, in a spanking there is a high probability that damage will result, but this resultant damage is very unlikely to be severe (welts, small bruises). Further, we can reduce the risk of injury by only hitting "spankable" areas of the body. Therefore, balancing all four factors, most spankings done according to these principles are neither negligent nor reckless, therefore there is no liability -- either civil or criminal.

Overall, most BDSM play can be grouped into three categories. (Note: none of the lists that follow are meant to be all-inclusive. Further, reasonable minds can differ as to which category a given activity should be placed in.)

1. Low probability of harm and/or low severity of harm, plus precautionary measures can be taken regarding the foreseeable harm. Into this category, I'd put most forms of common BDSM play, including most non-extreme forms of bondage, flagellation, clamps, hot wax, D/s, and so forth. (Actually, I'd put most of what we do into this category.) Few if any case reports of death or serious injury, and most injuries that do occur require little or no formal medical care. (Medically, these are known as "self-limiting conditions”; they get better on their own.) Should damage result, the legal defenses of consent and/or assumption of risk are available to the top.

2. Elevated probability of harm and/or elevated severity of harm, however meaningful precautionary measures CAN be taken regarding the foreseeable harm. Into this category, I'd put suspension bondage, fire play, anal fisting, and maybe knife play and enemas. Occasional case reports of death or serious injury requiring formal medical care, or even hospitalization. (However, the lack of a universal reporting system makes systematic study difficult.) Should damage result, the legal defenses of consent and/or assumption of risk are available to the top.

3. Elevated probability of harm and/or elevated severity of harm, and meaningful precautionary measures CANNOT be taken regarding the foreseeable harm. Into this category I'd put breath control play, gun play, self-bondage, chest punching, and ball-kicking. A substantial number of case reports of death or serious injury requiring formal medical care, even hospitalization. (However, again, the lack of a universal reporting system makes the exact number very difficult to determine.) Should damage result, the legal defenses of consent and/or assumption of risk are NOT available to the top.

More briefly, it shakes out by asking the following questions.

First, assume that the person asking the questions is fully and soundly educated as to the potential risks and benefits of a particular activity. (And, around here, that can be a very BIG assumption.)

Now, having made that assumption:

Question one: Is the activity likely to cause a foreseeable type of great bodily injury, or worse? If not, then go ahead and do it. (Keeping in mind that a high severity of harm trumps a low probability of harm.)

Question two: Is the activity likely to produce a foreseeable type of great bodily injury or worse, but meaningful precautions can be taken to greatly reduce the risk? If so, then go ahead and do it, but be sure to take those precautions.

Question three: Is the activity likely to produce a foreseeable type of great bodily injury or worse, and there are NO meaningful precautions that can be taken to greatly reduce the risk? If so, then just maybe you want to sit out this particular dance.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Please help Jay (that's me) get to LLC

2006-03-28T18:24:27Z

Hi folks,

Well, as the saying goes, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.

The good news is that I have the honor and privilege of having been invited to present at the Leather Leadership Conference (LLC) in NYC next month. My topic will be "Conflict Resolution Within the BDSM Community." As many of you know all too darn well, this is one of our major problems. I've given this program twice before at LLC, with good results on both occasions.

The bad news is that, my budget being what it is, it's not readily convenient for me to shell out the money for cross-country airfare just now. Among other things, I'm taking the bar exam again in July, and the substantial expenses associated with _that_ are hugely eating into what discretionary income I do have.

So why am I mentioning this to you?

I'm mentioning this to you because what I do have a pretty good supply of are copies of my DVD titled "Jay Wiseman Teaches Basic Rope Bondage." This is a two hour and twenty-something minute version of my most-requested workshop "Rope Bondage You Can Actually Use." These normally sell for somewhere between $30.00 to $40.00 each but, to help pay for my expenses associated with getting my carcass to LLC, I'm offering them for a mere $25.00 each, including postage and whatnot. Such a deal, and for such a good cause!

(Personally autographed copies of my books are also available.)

Also, it occurs to me that someone on this list just may be sitting on a pile of frequent flyer miles that they have no particular plans for and would be willing to trade for some books and/or DVDs.

If any of the above tweak your interest, please drop me a line at jaywiseman@gmail.com.

This message may be forwarded as you think appropriate.

Best regards to all, and I hope to see many of you next month at LLC!

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 3 replies

BDSM Tribe Conflict Resolution

2006-03-21T02:57:25Z

Jay,I am surprised that with all the conflict in the "SF The Citadel " tribe that you didn't offer any assistance in conflict resolution, I think with all your experience you could have made a diffrence.
Although I am not well known in the comunity as you are,and the damage has already been done, I think it could have been vary helpful

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 3 replies

Tribe censors image that criticizes Tribe

2006-03-17T03:50:57Z

TOU (Terms o...
offline 0
No connection between you and TOU (Terms of Use...
Kibbitzer
Here for: enforcing Tribe.net's Terms of Use Policy
TOU (Terms of Use) Guy is a Tribe employee. View all Tribe staff.
Date Thu, March 16, 2006 - 3:10 PM
Subject Your photo has been removed
Message
A photo you uploaded has been removed from public display by the Tribe.net community.

To review this image log into Tribe.net and visit the following link.

people.tribe.net/2f880cb9-...6b863a27da

If you believe this content has been removed as a result of someone abusing the system and acting unreasonably, you may contact us by clicking the link below:

www.tribe.net/template/FlagItemHandle.vm

As part of our efforts to ensure a positive community for all our members,
our Terms of Use allow members to remove content that they find offensive
or in violation of our Terms of Use or Code of Conduct.

The photo will be automatically deleted in 30 days.
--Tribe.net

Terms of Use: www.tribe.net/template/pub%2CTerms.vm
Code of Conduct: www.tribe.net/template/pub%2CCode.vm

This message is from your network on tribe.net. Use the URL below to set your inbox controls to determine which tribe.net members may send messages directly to you. Messages from people outside your network will not be forwarded to your e-mail.

www.tribe.net/template/ac...gureInbox.vm

Me again: The image that was removed was the "Tribe Barf 2005.jpe" image. I believe that it's fairly widely available here on Tribe -- although it has also apparently been summarily removed from the profiles of other users.

Wish me luck, everybody, If I vanish, you can reach me at jaywiseman@yahoo.com.

Jay -- just waiting for the black helicoptors to come get him.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Input wanted on male masturbation video

2006-01-12T12:52:24Z

Hi folks,

[Yeah, I know. It's off-topic. However I thought it was "close enough" for me to post it, for a while anyway. Please bear with me. Thanks. Jay]

My next video will be for women who want to learn how to give men really good handjobs. To that end, I'm seeking suggestions from both men and women.

If you're a woman, what would you like such a video to have in terms of content? What are your questions? What would you like to get better at?

If you're a man, what would you like to be in the video? What do you think is important for a woman to know regarding masturbating a man? Is there anything about a man's body that you would want to be certain was covered?

Please note that I'm _not_ looking to engage in any sort of cybersex here. Also please note that I pretty much know what actual techniques will be depicted in the video (they will largely be taken from my "Tricks to Please a Man" book) so I'm not really interested in suggestions in that regard -- although I am keeping my mind open.

Anyway, if you have any suggestions, I'd very much be interested in hearing from you. You can reach me either here on Tribe or at jaywiseman@yahoo.com

Best regards,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

The key question: Will it still be fun?

2005-12-24T18:39:39Z

Hi folks,

Like a number of people, I've decided to give the new changes a month, more or less, and then make a final determination about whether or not I will remain on Tribe at all (assuming that they don't delete me first -- I may be gone from here within minutes of making this post; it may vanish as well.)

The problem seems to be this: From its earliest days, Tribe has positioned itself (at least informally) as, in essence, the "spicier" alternative to places like Yahoo and Friendster. This likely has something to do with the large number of burners who made up, and continue to make up, a substantial percentage of their membership. Burners are something of an alternative-friendly crowd, and as a matter of course tribes related to those alternatives sprung up fairly promptly -- these included BDSM, polyamory, transgender matters, and the myriad aspects of sex in general.

Now, Tribe management says that such content, basically, is no longer welcome unless it conforms to something of a PG-13 standard.

The thing is, if we could have been happy under _that_ standard then there would have been no compelling reason for us to leave those other places such as Yahoo or Friendster.

Given that it is the "spicier" content that drew us to Tribe in the first place, if that content becomes unwelcome then the fundamental reason that many of us came to Tribe no longer exists.

Thus, there would be no particular reason to stay.

Without that content, the "newer, blander" Tribe is much like the other places. Its unique positioning in the market is gone. (Plus, that means that Tribe's former niche would become vacant to somebody who cared to create an alternative.)

Frankly, given how Tribe management has so ham-handedly handled this matter, at some level my heart is irreversably just not in this place anymore -- not like it used to be anyway. Tribe used to be my major time sink and guilty pleasure. Now...

Certainly the statements by Tribe management about "the law" have been exemplary in their vagueness, imprecision, and unpersuasiveness. (A "national standard"? Puleeze. That's not even consistent with "Miller." Further, under "Miller", speech can quite easily be sexually explicit and yet still not be obscene -- a distinction that seems lost on Tribe management.)

While I'm discoursing on legal topics, let me take a moment to talk about 2257. (I knew that law degree would come in handy.)

Two things:

First, the legislative intent of 2257 is to combat child pornography. Unless something "walks, talks, and looks" like child porn, it's vulnerability to 2257 is very questionable. (FYI, the "Red Rose Stories" website apparently had text-based stories involving child porn on it, which is likely what drew the feds even though it was "only" text.)

Second, 2257 is a very badly written law. We have a constitutional guarantee of freedom of speech in the U.S. Under the constitution, laws which abridge freedom of speech can be constitutional only if they are "narrowly tailored to achieve a compelling government interest." This is known as the "strict scrutiny" test. 2257 clearly fails the strict scrutiny test because it imposes an undue burden on secondary producers -- who should be entitled to rely on the primary producers. Thus, 2257 is not narrowly tailored and therefore is unconstitutional. It will almost undoubtedly be overturned by the courts.

I have made up my mind on one point, and on this point my decision really is final. I absolutely, positively will _NOT_ self-censor either my profile or the tribes I moderate. No way, no way in hell, will I do their dirty work for them. No way will I put my own energy into this despicable task. If they don't like my content, let _them_ remove it.

I more and more think about how everytime I make a post (such as this one), put up a picture, or even send a private message, with every keystroke I work for free to provide content to a for-profit corporation. Given that I make my living as a writer, this is especially attention-getting to me. Exactly how long do I want to go on working for free for a for-profit corporation that has clearly let me know that "my kind" is, at best, rather suspect?

Additionally, I've lost track of how many new members I've personally recruited for tribe. Certainly it runs in the dozens. Unlike Yahoo, this was supposed to be a place where we were welcome. Given that that is currently very much in doubt, I shall not be nearly so active in doing such recruiting.

I also more and more think about how everytime I look at a different page I create what's called an "impression" and that Tribe earns its money by selling advertising, basing its rates on how many impressions an ad is likely to have. Again, how long do I want to go on being an unpaid money-maker for this for-profit corporation if I have the status that I do?

Remember folks, it's all about "eyeballs to advertisers." Where you put your eyeballs has value, cash value, to somebody. You are doing somebody a favor when you look at something, and even more of a favor when you post. Please remember that.

So that's about it. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. The bottom line is that this place used to be more fun than the other places. We shall see if the new changes do or do not spoil the whole thing.

If you want to make sure that we remain in touch, please email me at jaywiseman@yahoo.com. You can also reach me through my publisher, Greenery Press.

This post may be forwarded as you deem appropriate.

Best regards to all,

Jay Wiseman, JD

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 5 replies

Attention fellow moderators

2005-12-14T15:44:32Z

Hi,

If you share my concerns regarding Tribe's upcoming policy changes that will move us toward a more G-rated environment, please join the Tribe Moderators tribe so that you can voice your concerns directly to management.

Sincerely,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 4 replies

BDSM Tribe Pointers tribe

2005-12-08T08:06:16Z

I just started a new tribe called BDSM Tribe Pointers specifically to provide a listing of all BDSM-related and other sexually explicit/alternative lifestyle-related tribes on Tribe.net. This is not a discussion tribe, just a listing of names and urls for other tribes.

It looks as if we're going to have to make our tribes private in order to survive the new Tribe Terms of Service and continue to operate. Private tribes do not show up on searches, so it's going to be difficult for new Tribe members to find us if they want to. Hopefully, at least this tribe will be able to remain public so that anyone looking for BDSM content will find it, and subsequently be able to find the rest of our tribes.

The url is http://tribes.tribe.net/BDSMTribePointers

Please spread the word; there's not even any way to post a listing about this any more without putting it into a regular category, which is just about guaranteed to get it deleted.

Wendy

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Unc's 25 Years in the Scene

2005-12-03T16:24:35Z

25 Years in the Scene

This definitely falls under ... "It took a while Ma, but I finally did it."

2005 is my 25th year in the (organized) scene. I've been kinky longer than that, and some of my contemporaries with longer seniority are still quite active, but still... it's 25 years.

I'm not going to launch into "good old days" reminiscences. I get many chances to do that at munches with my "Ya know..." and "Years ago..." comments. No, a 25th anniversary calls for something actually ...useful.

Considering that the average 'half-life' of someone coming into the organized scene is two years (details covered in my previous posts if you search your archives), and when community folk with "...4 years in the scene..." are viewed as 'venerable old timers', you get a certain advantageous perspective with 25 years under your belt.

So what to say?

One of the advantages I've had is a chance to witness the truth of some of the cherished maxims of the community ...like not outing people, "what is said/done/seen here stays here", etc.--towit the sense of a community firewall protecting the members from unwanted disclosure to the 'world' (with its potential harmful consequences). So in 25 years, is this a reliable maxim? Have there been breeches of this?

The answers are YES and ...YES. Yes, there have been notable instances when community people have been 'outed' (some with the archetypical 'bad results'), but in 25 years, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number that have occurred. Being an engineer, intimately familiar with the world of statistical significance, and considering the thousands of opportunities that would have qualified, I find that a damn good indication that the 'firewall' is rock solid. (Certainly different from experiences related to "...there's really no bitter contentions amongst SM folk." To count the exceptions to that, not only would I have to use both hands, all my toes, the fingers and toes of my wonderful girlfriend, ...and all the ones in a 100-person orgy that she and I'd be part of. ...Let me dwell on that particular image for a while...)

I've also seen the change in the demographics of SM folk—both in the Bay Area and other large city markets. Yes, years ago there was more of a situation-inspired 'close knitted-ness' of the constituents, but the present-day consumer constituency of the scene, that while they do agglomerate into friendship clusters, do form a looser, perhaps less cohesive, but still highly effective community spirit. The thing is that the 'old ways' of earlier times (that a lot of old timers wax eloquent about--particularly the old timer leather folk) is not a useful model that should govern the entire community. The diversity of 'community views' in fact is healthy—in my opinion. Each segment of the community has its own cultural norms by which to live and thrive, and there is enough of a sense of commonality amongst us that we all can say we're within the BDSM envelope.

Of course here I'm talking about large markets: like the major metropolitan BDSM scenes. When you get to smaller markets (rural areas and lone wolves), you may actually need a more cohesive culture. But even here, there is still enough cross exposure to the larger communities (through the internet and various confeneces) that individuals don't have to feel trapped in what may not work for them.

Possibly one of the biggest and consistent personal benefits for people in the community is the ability to find allies and friends. Wanna be a tough, cigar smoking, leather dyke top on a chopped Harley with a chickie seat? By golly not only will you be able to find others with the same predilection, or at least a simpatico admiration for same, but you’ll also find the chickie to fill the seat. The same goes for service tops, non-sub masochists, ya-da-ya-dah. Folk join the community because of the like-minded (or at least tolerant) others that make you feel your kink is supported and not ‘sick’. This is perhaps the biggest personal benefit, and it’s been that way since the beginning. The only difference is that there were fewer cultural choices ‘back then’ (with—interestingly enough—a wider cultural tolerance within the then extant communities). Nowadays there are well respected members of community that have not seen let alone participated in any same gender scenes. (I started in the ‘back then’ days, so I had a chance to not only see but enjoy such. And I still do to some extent from time to time—even though I’m primarily one way.)

There has also been an almost compulsive drive by BDSM folk, who have been in the scene for a while, to not only seek education in techniques and practices but to share their knowledge with others. Most often than not, many of these classes are quite good, useful, and well presented. And it is interesting that some of the newcomers have some really innovative things to present. I for one always enjoy going to these classes. (I also teach some too, but that’s another story.) I think that sharing innovations as well as tried-and-true techniques can only generally benefit the community.

Now, before we get lured down the primrose path of hugs, peace, love, and brown rice too far, everyone should be aware of the flip side—more commonly known as the “dark side”.

Flame wars! New? Hardly. Even though they’re upsetting to some folk—as perhaps it’s right they should be—they pale in comparison to the pitched, red-in-the-face, bulging neck vein, screamfests we old timers came to know and love. List flame wars with 250 posts dripping with venom, tortured logic, and misunderstandings but flame out in 2 days don’t compare to the face-to-face screamfests of old. There are still community folk that won’t speak to each other 15, 20 years after. And the interesting thing is that the points of contention today are revisits of the same stuff we argued about ‘back then.’ (That’s why my DELETE button has its lettering worn off.) But it does seem to serve a purpose. Every generation needs to thrash out age-old concerns to own their own ‘solution’. Old timers that chip into the fray with “…in my day…” are really largely ignored as ‘voices from the dustbin of history.’ (We do, however, convey the perhaps calming sense that “We’ve dealt with this before…” This is immediately followed by the implied message: “…and we survived.” So keep it up fellow dustbin dwellers. And none of this ‘rolling your eyes to heaven’ you young whippersnappers. Why in MY day…—sorry, I digress.)

Now there were some benefits to all of this contentiousness. Apart from the ‘solution ownership’ I’ve referred to before, I can cite the acrimony that existed in the women’s community ‘back then’. There was a lot of red-in…ya-da-ya-dah, but …BUT it gave the participants a chance to develop and practice their political and arguing skills. Today there is a strong women’s community, and—as one of the side benefits—the National Leather Association (NLA) started as a pan-sexual organization—as opposed to the gay organization it looked like ‘back then’ it was destined to be. This was in direct response to the dykes helping to organize NLA using their freshly honed skills arguing for inclusion of the het community into NLA.

Now that all such rancor is gone… What? It isn’t? Yes, even with reasonable people getting together, there is no guarantee that differences will still be settled reasonably. As in the ‘rest of the world’ (of which we’re a part) there are your “people on a mission from pombu”, nihilists, graduates from the “Atilla the Hun School of Tact”, hidden agenda-ists, and folk who would qualify as “Chaotic Neutral” in a D&D game. But …BUT there have never been (…yet…) any major, ideological schisms within the community nor have there been any “ends of BDSM as we know it.” We seem to be blessed that any potential demigods either never arrive or they flame out quickly. (Too slim on rewards, I guess.) And I think that the present cultural diversity of the communities and perhaps even the consumerist nature of the constituency make it that much harder for a demigod to arise and “take over the world.”

Are we doomed to have intra- and inter- community fights forever? History does show a consistency in this. However …HOWEVER, I have to specifically cite Jay Wiseman (a contemporary with even more seniority than I … think butt ~-ing protozoa rather than T-…—I didn’t say it, Robin). Jay is at least looking at (through his fledgling attempts) in applying conflict resolution technologies that may just help alleviate the long term problem of community fights. Yeah Jay! (Did I mention that he is an old timer, newcomers?).

I contend that, on the whole, there are more long-term good things you get being in the community that far outweigh the long term bad things. And for most folk—even with their consumerist mindset—it isn’t necessary to get wrapped around the axle with the fights to enjoy your being in the community. (After 25 years, that’s why I’m still here.)

Predictions? More thin ice for me? Well, hell, I’ve thrust myself into so many other buzzsaws that this will feel like being scourged with bunny floggers (…without the knots, Z).

For one, a personal one. I fully plan on being here for my 50th anniversary in the scene. (Tremble then with fear cute blond submissives!) It’ll be interesting to see what my reflections will be then. It’s certain that I’ll let you know.

As far as external, conservative threats to the community, well, they’ve always been with us—even ‘back then’. Even though I personally think the present, political ‘rough patch’ is going to be a real bad one, I think our sheer total size plus the cultural diversity of the extant communities will let us survive even a Pat Robertson administration. Remember, every year the fundies petition the major hotels in Chicago not to host the ‘sinful’, and ‘hateful in the sight of gawd’ IML. The hotels look at the 65K+ attendees and say, “Thank you for the share.” (My contemporaries know the coded meaning of that phrase.)

One thing I would like to ask you is, that if there are any of you out there that wind up being in the scene for 20+ years of so, keep staying active, and please be a witness and share your observations with those with less seniority than yourself. Don’t preach! Share!

Good luck all. See you on my 50th.

Unc’

P.S.: I'm going to be celebrating my 25th at the Fandango at the Citadel on Sunday, December 11th. Hope to see my many friends there.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Self Masochism

2005-11-26T07:43:35Z

Thsi isn't a conflict of mine, just a curiousity...

It seems "healthy" for a top to, say, cut a bottom as a hot and emotionally intense scene.

But it seems "unhealthy" for a masochist to cut themself.

I dont have any evidence to support the above statements, and it may be thought of differently in the kink community as opposed to the vanilla community. But does anyone out there with any relevant experience have any thoughts to share?

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 6 replies

BDSM Tips & Techniques tribe

2005-11-24T08:25:44Z

Hey, I just started the "BDSM Tips & Techniques" tribe located at www.tribes.tribe.net/BDSMTipsTechniques , and I thought you might want to join it, too. It's a tribe for the discussion of all the nuts and bolts of BDSM play, the how-tos, not the philosophical. Share techniques and ideas of all sorts.

Please feel free to repost this message in any related tribes that I've missed, and to pass it on to your friends and anyone new you may encounter.

Wendy

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

"New to BDSM (Uncensored)" tribe invitation

2005-11-18T00:07:56Z

Check out the new "New to BDSM (Uncensored)" tribe, a forum for open, uncensored discussion of topics of interest to newbies. See the tribe heading/first message for what makes this tribe different. Membership is open to all.

I started this tribe because I value differences of opinion being openly discussed and differing points of view honored, and think they benefit everyone, including newbies.

The url is http://tribes.tribe.net/NewToBDSM-Uncensored.

Please feel free to repost this message in any related tribes, and to pass it on to your friends and anyone new you may encounter.

Wendy

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 2 replies

Jury Nullification?

2005-10-28T13:16:29Z

Hi folks,

Given the spate of new prosecutions, and the possible political motivation behind them, I'm wondering if it's time to raise awareness even further regarding the matter of jury nullification. What think?

(If you're unfamiliar with this concept, just type it into a search engine and get prepared to do a bit of reading.)

Best,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 18 replies

Any suggestions for my upcoming presentation?

2005-10-07T18:05:34Z

Hi folks,

As some of you know, I'm giving a 90-minute presentation on conflict resolution during the upcoming Folsom Fringe conference in San Jose.

Any suggestions as to the presentation?

More specifically, are there any books, websites, or other sources of information that in your opinion I should make sure to share with the attendees?

Any exercises -- individual or group -- that you would suggest?

Etc.

Inquiring minds and all that.

Best,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 11 replies

New Tribe: Leather History

2005-10-07T18:03:25Z

Hi folks,

I've started a new tribe devoted to the evidence-based study of Leather/BDSM history. Please feel free to join in. The link is in my profile.

Best regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Ugly story out of New Orleans

2005-09-10T22:02:56Z

Hi folks,

The original email referenced below drifted into my inbox a few days ago. I've felt somewhat sickened ever since I read it. I thought about forwarding it but held off because I couldn't really think of a constructive reason for doing so. Plus, I didn't want to forward a possible urban myth, especially one so...awful. How, however, because it is being confirmed by the mainstream media, my feeling is that the story's light to heat ratio makes telling others about it worthwhile.

Also, it is worth sharing because it is quite predictive of exactly how much help citizens can expect from the government in a future disaster, and exactly how government officials will regard and treat refugees.

I'll let it speak for itself.

God help us all,

Jay

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Witnesses confirm e-mail account of police barricading
escape route

By Gardiner Harris

New York Times

Police agencies south of New Orleans were so fearful
of the crowds attempting to leave the city after
Hurricane Katrina that they sealed a crucial bridge
over the Mississippi River and turned back hundreds of
desperate evacuees, according to two paramedics who
were in the crowd.

The paramedics and two other witnesses said officers
sometimes shot guns over the heads of fleeing people.
The witnesses said they had been told by New Orleans
police to cross this same bridge because buses were
waiting for them there.

Instead, a suburban police officer angrily ordered
about 200 people to abandon an encampment between the
highways near the bridge. The officer then confiscated
their food and water, the four witnesses said. The
incidents took place in the first days after the storm
last week, they said.

``The police kept saying, `We dont want another Super
Dome, and `This isnt New Orleans, said Larry Bradshaw,
a San Francisco paramedic who was among those fleeing.

Arthur Lawson, chief of the Gretna, La., police
department, confirmed that his officers, along with
those from the Jefferson Parish Sheriffs Office and
the Crescent City Connection Police, sealed the
bridge.

``As soon as things calm down, we will do an inquiry
and find out what happened, he said.

Bradshaw and his partner, Lorrie Beth Slonsky, wrote
an account about their experiences that has been
widely e-mailed.

Cathey Golden, a 51-year-old from Boston, and her
13-year-old son, Ramon Golden, on Friday confirmed the
account.

The four met at the Hotel Monteleone in the French
Quarter. Bradshaw and Slonsky had attended a
convention for emergency medicine specialists. Golden
and her two children, including 23-year-old Rashida
Golden, were there to visit family.

The hotel allowed its guests and nearly 250 residents
from the nearby neighborhood to stay until Thursday,
Sept 1. With its food exhausted, the hotels manager
finally instructed people to leave. Hotel staff handed
out maps to show the way to the citys Convention
Center, to which thousands of other evacuees had fled.

A group of nearly 200 guests gathered to make their
way to the center together, the four said. But on the
way, they heard that the Convention Center had become
a dangerous, unsanitary pit from which no one was
being evacuated. So they stopped in front of a New
Orleans police command post near the Harrahs casino on
Canal Street.

A New Orleans police commander whom none of the four
could identify told the crowd that they could not stay
there and later told them that buses were being
brought to the Crescent City Connection, a nearby
bridge to Jefferson Parish, to carry them to safety.

But on the bridge there were four police cruisers
parked across some lanes. Between six and eight
officers stood with shotguns in their hands, the
witnesses said. As the crowd approached, the officers
shot over the heads of the crowd, most of whom
retreated immediately, Bradshaw, Slonsky and Golden
and her son said.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

A close encounter with the bar exam

2005-08-24T07:45:30Z

(Hi folks. Below is a letter I sent out to some friends regarding taking the bar exam. I figured that there would be sufficient interest and relevance for me to also post it here. Best, Jay)

I hit that pitch.

Hello everyone,

So many of you sent good wishes to me regarding the bar exam. Before I go on, I want to tell you how much that meant to me. It revealed to me beyond any disputation that I am a blessed man to have such wonderful people as yourselves care about me.

I was told very shortly after I started law school that one trains for the bar exam in much the same way that one trains for the Olympics or some similar event. That turned out to indeed be much the case. As some of you know, I devoted much of my last year in school to prepping for this test, plus virtually the entire two months between when I graduated and when I took the exam. I can safely say that this did not amount to over-preparation. Among other things, I took some elective courses that covered bar exam material. As it turned out, four of the six essays covered material taught in the last year, and two of those four covered material that was in the electives I took. In that sense, I was just plain lucky.

Also, this was most definitely something that I had substantial assistance with. Many people encouraged me. A number of attorneys gave me very good advice on prepping for the exam. Certain people very generously helped make sure that I could devote my post-graduation bar prep time to studying instead of chasing dollars. Many of you helped me study. My very good friend Wendy drove me to the test site the night before so I could scope it out. My very good friend, and fellow law student, Leslie picked me up at my place and dropped me off on all three days. My pitifully inadequate thanks, hugs, and blessings to you all.

The California bar exam, widely regarded as the longest and most difficult bar exam in the entire country, is a three day, six hours per day, challenge not only of a candidate's knowledge, analytical ability, and skill, but also of the candidate's ability to function effectively under pressure. There are 2000 possible points, and to pass the exam a candidate must score at least 1440 of them, or 72%. (I was muttering "1441, 1441, 1441" under my breath for about a week before the exam, resulting in many people avoiding me on the street and in a few giving me spare change.) Only about half of the first-time takers pass it, and only about a third of the repeat takers. The various sections of the test are strictly timed. Fortunately, I was able to complete all the sections in time, although in virtually every case I did so with less than 30 seconds to spare. (And it's said that I never do edge play. Har!) Many students were still frantically writing away when "time!" was called and the proctors swooped in.

I took the test at the San Mateo Expo Center. I had hoped to take the test on a laptop (my thanks to the wonderful person who loaned me one), but the test center in the Bay Area that was set up for that was way full, so I trekked down to San Mateo, pens in hand. (Actually, pens in plastic bag; we had to bring our test supplies in by toting them in a clear plastic bag. I thank the bar exam committee for treating us like first-graders in this manner. It will be particularly helpful to my fellow test takers who will go on to be first year associates in understanding their proper place.) About 600 of us, mostly twenty-somethings but also a few graybeards (both male and female) like myself, very dutifully lined up at the doors and presented our admission passes.

Security was mega-tight, and the accommodations austere. The instructions from the bar association noted that there would be no clocks on the walls and, sure enough, there weren't. Also, nothing digital was allowed into the center, including digital watches. Fortunately, I still had my wind-up watch from my ambulance days stored in a box somewhere. Without too much undue rooting around I found it and the blessed thing still worked. Further, it only lost about a minute a day, which is far better than I do. Anyway, none of the following were allowed: cell phones, pagers, digital watches or desk clocks, or outside scratch paper. You couldn't even wear a cap, fer chrissakes! (That last item wasn't on the "banned" list that we got sent ahead of time, therefore there were a lot of caps unceremoniously tossed over to the side of the test center by their owners.) They even took our fingerprints and a handwriting sample before the start of day two's afternoon session.

Instructions were dutifully read over the center's PA system before the start of each morning and afternoon session. The announcer kept asking if everyone could hear her, and I could hear her adequately, although a number of us thought that she would be more understandable if she were to talk through her mouth instead of her nose.

Day one's morning session had three essays. The first was a multi-part community property essay. The second was a real property essay with a contract law "cross-over" aspect to it. The third was a corporations law question (we were told in bar review that corporations was unlikely to be on this test!) with a fiduciary duty question regarding an attorney that was ambiguous because it wasn't entirely clear if the attorney was acting as the corporation's attorney or was now acting solely as a member of its board of directors. I finished on time, barely.

Day one's afternoon session was a performance test involving writing a persuasive memo to another attorney. In this case, they gave us good facts, good law, and a sympathetic client. I churned it out on time and felt like I had fought the good fight.

Day two was the multiple-choice question day. This involves 200 questions, 100 in each section covering six topics (contracts, torts, crim law, evidence, con law, and real property), and is given to law students all over the country. (Sidenote: a company that does bar prep for this part of the exam just got sued by the National College of Bar Examiners because its president got caught trying sneak out of a test center with a whole bunch of the questions hand-copied onto scratch paper.) I was able to give a mindful answer to all 100 questions we had in the morning session and to about 95 of the questions we had in the afternoon session, so I'm feeling mostly OK about it. Still, this was a very challenging part of the exam. Many of those questions were very subtle and tricky, and the time just flew by. I'm sure that many people feel this was the hardest part of the exam and I just may be among them.

On day three, we started out with a real bear of an evidence law question. Very complicated and multi-faceted. We only get three hours total to write all three of these essays and they strongly recommend strict time management of one hour per question. By the time I finished grappling with this monster, 90 minutes had elapsed. Question two was another question involving the sale of land and thus once again dealt with real property law and contract law, but in this case it dealt more with the remedies for breach than with the enforceability of the contract. (I had a hunch that they just might hit remedies on the third day, so I took a few minutes to review that subject just before I went in. Once again, I was just plain lucky.) That said, by the time I finished wrestling with this beast I only had about 40 minutes left. I turned the page and felt ready to shout hallelujah, for there staring up at me was a very straight-forward professional ethics question. I brought that puppy in for a landing with about ten seconds to spare.

On the afternoon of day three, the bastards decided to mess with our heads. This was another performance test. These can be of many different types -- draft an opening statement or a closing argument. Write a jury instruction or a plan for cross-examination. Write a persuasive memo or an objective memo. Draft a case plan. In this case, we had yet another persuasive memo, but here they gave our side thin law, thin facts, and we were arguably the bad guys! Here, I had to draft a persuasive memo to a judge arguing for the civil forfeiture of a car used when the husband of a very working class, just barely making it, family got popped while driving it for a very minimal DUI. There was good reason to believe that if the car was civilly seized by the sheriff that the wife would probably lose her job due to mass transit being so unreliable that she would frequently be late for work. Oh, and they also had both a small child and a sick parent to deal with. Naturally, I rose to the occasion and destroyed their lives. I then went home and took a shower.

So that was about it. I won't know what my results are until about third weekend in November. I definitely hit that pitch. Whether I hit it far enough or not, they'll tell me in November. However, in the meantime I can tell you that I'm not worried about my results. I just may have passed, but if I have to re-test I'll have a much better idea of how to prep.

Regarding the California bar exam, I have now "seen the elephant" and I am not afraid.

Best regards to all,

Jay

p.s. feel free to share this letter as you like

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 4 replies

New tribe: BDSM and Polyamory

2005-07-16T17:34:25Z

Hi folks,

I've created a new tribe, open to both locals and nonlocals, for the general discussion of issues relating to BDSM and Polyamory. Please feel free to join us. You can find it in my profile.

Best,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

It's Lady Badger's Birthday

2005-05-19T22:56:28Z

If you are even romotely aware of the public scene in SoCal, then you must know how much this woman gives to our community. We are so blessed to have her amongst us.

Three cheers for Lady badger Hoorah...Hoorah...Hoorah.

Happy Birthday Goddess.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

What books (etc.) have you found helpful?

2005-04-29T12:08:35Z

Hi folks,

I was at a party a while back, and mentioned during a discussion that I had greatly benefitted from reading Marshall Rosenberg's book on Nonviolent Communication. The person I was talking with replied that they had gotten a lot of benefit from reading "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense" by Suzette H. Elgin. (This caught my attention because that book is on my "things to read" list.)

So, what books (or CDs or tapes or videos or whatever) have you found useful, especially in a self-study context?

I'm noticing that I'm starting to look at conflict resolution in terms of thinking of two categories of people -- people who are there in good faith and people who are there in bad faith.

For people who are there in good faith and for whom the problem at issue is the real problem, I'd recommend "Nonviolent Communication" and some of the earlier books on assertiveness training such as "Your Perfect Right" and "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty." Peter Bolton's book "People Skills" and "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" also come to mind.

(I'm currently listening to Marshall's CDs on NVC and getting substantial benefit from doing so. I'm noticing how I can now hear things in a much different, much less defensive, way than I used to be able to even two months ago.)

For basic grounding in all of the above, the book by Carl Rogers -- "On Becoming A Person" -- is arguably the foundational text upon which a lot of the above is built.

For people who are there in bad faith and who may have a hidden agenda or some other nastiness, probably my favorite book is "The Gift of Fear." Two books in this category that I haven't yet read but plan to are "Controlling People" and "In Sheep's Clothing."

I've been known to say that "7 Habits" is a good book for every top to read and "The Gift of Fear" is a good book for every bottom to read. {Please note that I'm using "top" and "bottom" in a very broadly defined way.) I like "7 Habits" because of the responsibility it puts squarely upon the personal character of the person. I like "The Gift of Fear" because of its usefulness in describing behaviors that help one tell the difference between the merely obnoxious and the genuinely dangerous.

For a good overall description of social conflict options, perhaps especially for those of us who have a martial arts background, I read and got a lot out of "Aikido in Everyday Life: Giving in to Get Your Way" by Terry Dobson and Victor Miller. This book could be useful in both good-faith and bad-faith situations.

So, what's on your "highly recommended" list?

Best regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 2 replies

Conflict resolution at LLC 9

2005-04-14T17:02:00Z

Hi folks,

It was my very great privilege and honor to be asked to do a presentation on Conflict Resolution Within the BDSM Community at the Leather Leadership Conference in Phoenix this last weekend.

I only had about 90 minutes, and because it was in the last time slot of the day and the room was going to be turned to other uses immediately afterwards, they let me know that I really did have to end either on or before my stated ending time -- and because I was so advised this was no major problem.

I had a lot of ground to cover in 90 minutes. Basically, I went over the danger of turning a conflict into a contest because in social terms it's very difficult, and often impossible, to actually win such a contest in conventional terms because of the ongoing nature of the relationship. I asked how many people had had such conflicts end in permanent estrangement (the typical lose/lose outcome in these situations) and quite a few people raised their hands.

I waved Marshall Rosenberg's book at them with the proper exhortations -- at one point literally getting down on my knees, quite pointedly in front of this one dominant woman who is a friend of mine <G>, and begging them to buy the book -- but decided against doing much to model or demo the techniques.

I wanted an interactive program, so we took about 30 minutes to do a mini talking circle and another 30 minutes to do a mini fishbowl game. Both were well received. (However, I did feel the need to remind the audience that anything said during either event was "for role play purposes only." <G>)

I also invited all of them to join this tribe.

Afterwards, several people had follow-up stories, requests for further information, and so forth -- and a few wanted to know if I was available to come to their area to do a conflict resolution workshop. (The basic answer is yes, especially after I take the bar exam in late July.)

There were a number of things that I'd do differently next time, and due to some computer problems I didn't have some handouts that I would have liked to have (such as my rules for the fishbowl game -- which are available upon request to jaywiseman@gmail.com), but overall it seemed to me that it went pretty well.

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Nonviolent communication

2005-04-14T16:15:38Z

Hi folks,

First, a bit of catching up. Since I last posted, I've been invited to do my "Conflict Resolution Within the BDSM Community" at BR in Washington DC, at Janus in San Francisco, and at New England Dungeon Society in Boston. (Note: geographic locations "rounded off" a bit.) It is starting to overtake "Rope Bondage You Can Actually Use" as my most-requested presentation -- a factoid that I consider to be distinctly double-edged. <G>

Second, I'm taking a class in Restorative Justice during (what I sincerely hope is) my final semester of law school. It's an interesting class that examines how different cultures perceive wrong/law-breaking and what should be done about it. When compared to what is often called Western Rebributive Justice, where the primary emphasis is on what should be done with the offender, Restorative Justice places the primary emphasis on what should be done to aid the victim. It's interesting stuff, and we're doing a lot of talking circle work in it, which I like.

Third, and the main point of this particular post, I have recently come into possession of and am intently reading a book called "Nonviolent Communication; A Language of Life" (2nd edition) by Marshall Rosenberg. I had been meaning to get around to the whole Nonviolent Communication (NVC) matter for some time as it has been recommended to me from a few different areas of my life by people that I think highly of.

While the communication techniques described therein do feel a bit awkward at first, I must admit that they certainly seem to have a way of structuring communication in a manner that has a very good light to heat ratio.

In addition to the primary book, there are a number of supplemental books, workshops, and so forth. If you'd like more info, please check out www.cnvc.org.

I think this clearly has a lot of very good potential -- in personal relationships, in group/work situations, in broader areas, and even in internal dialogue. At this point, I would recommend that anyone with an interest in conflict resolution become familiar with its techniques.

Anybody else got any experience with NVC?

Best regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 7 replies

Upcoming conflict resolution program

2005-02-16T18:11:27Z

Hi folks,

I will be doing a program on conflict resolution within the BDSM community. It will be held on the evening of Monday, 01/31, in SF, probably at the SF Citadel. Details to follow.

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

When they don't play fair

2005-02-10T18:32:00Z

Hi folks,

Some people have pointed out to me, quite validly, that many of the dispute resolution methods work reasonably well if both parties are coming to the table in good faith. This raises the very valid issue of: what if they ain't? There are some good resources on dealing with this matter.

One of my favorites, and one I especially recommend for novice submissive women, is the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. (I've been told that this book is a core text for a number of groups for submissive women.) He runs one of the leading agencies that protect celebrities from stalkers and has a lot of information about how to differentiate the merely obnoxious from the truly dangerous.

By typing "social predators" into Google, I found a very interesting and useful quick summary of how to spot people that probably wouldn't be good to get involved with. Even more interesting, it's on a website intended to be supportive of vampires. While that's not my thing, I did find the material useful.

I also found a wealth of other useful material by typing the phrases "manipulative people" and "verbal abuse" into both Google and Amazon.com. Among other things, I notice that a book called "In Sheep's Clothing" frequently pops up. Anybody familiar with it?

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 2 replies

trol show

2005-02-09T05:59:39Z

Let us know if you want to spend the day at the Ren Faire as we spend 3 hours tying you up in our show. see photos at http://the-trols.tribe.net/

Oh yea, doing it at the So.Ca. ren faire starting Apral 16th to June 5th

7 weekends, 14 days, 14 happy subs...

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Setting aside a time for reconciliation

2005-01-08T18:32:01Z

Hi folks,

What follows is admittedly somewhat rambling, not optimally organized, and full of generalities. Please bear with me.

One of the thoughts that has been rolling around in my mind for a while now is the idea that maybe there should be a specific time especially set aside for reconciliation, or at least for an attempt thereof. Musing in _very_ general, brainstorming terms here...something like a National Reconciliation Day. The idea here is that this would, hopefully, facilitate the reconciliation process.

Let me say right now that in my world view there are such things as irreconcilable differences and unforgiveable wrongs. That said, I think we could generally do better in the areas of reconciliation and forgiveness (both in asking for and in receiving) than we do now. I certainly could.

This sort of thing especially comes up for me with the start of the new year. This is, of course, traditionally a time of new beginnings. Of course, spring and fall could also qualify.

Part of the problem, I think, is that if two people are mutually estranged and one of them tries to open a dialogue with the other, especially following a prolonged period of estrangement, then the person who opens the dialogue puts themselves in a sort of one-down position, making themselves vulnerable to sarcastic or otherwise hurtful words (and possibly more than just words) from the other person. It also may seem to put them in a weaker "bargaining position." Few would risk such vulnerability. Far safer to just stay safely within one's fortified position (silent and estranged though it may be).

Another part of the problem is that if Person A has done a wrong to Person B, then often the last thing in the world that Person B wants is further contact or interaction of any sort with Person A. Its just feels too painful, threatening, angry-making, etc. Person B doesn't even want to hear a good-faith apology from Person A -- which is understandable.

More musing here -- the more I study and do this sort of thing, the more I see how important it is to establish "an atmosphere of safety" -- manyy people are just not going to acknowledge a wrongdoing, offer an apology, and so forth unless they feel that it is reasonably safe to do so, and that the consequences for doing so are not going to be more than they can deal with.

Also, after some time has gone by, people may feel up to talking about some things -- and to some people -- that they didn't feel up to talking about or to when things were much more raw. One year is rolling around as a landmark in my mind (at least for some things). For example, I can think of some fairly sharp differences that I had with some people in the year 2003. While attempting to work things out with them in 2004 could have been a bit too soon -- because things were still too raw then -- maybe by 2005 the situation would be a little less inflamed and a productive dialogue would be possible.

Reconciliation could include an acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Of course, this is an _especially_ threatening and difficult thing to do. (My understanding is that some religions and the recovery community make acknowledgement of wrongdoing a matter of particular importance. Anybody got more info on that?)

If there were to be such a "reconciliation day" maybe it could be each person's birthday. Of course, on _my_ birthday I tend to be thinging in terms of having a good time, not in terms of mending fences. Thus, maybe one could have one's "anti-birthday" -- six months after one's birthday -- as such a day.

Basic idea here is my thinking that a lot more reconciliation could happen if a specific time was set aside for it.

What do you think?

Best regards to all in the coming year,

Jay Wiseman

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 4 replies

New tribe: sex and the law

2004-12-18T19:19:48Z

Hi folks,

I've created a new tribe called "sex and the law" -- I'm sure you can guess what the overall topic of discussion is. Please feel free to join.

Best,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

Talking circle info

2004-11-17T18:42:02Z

Hi folks,

I'm being asked for info on how talking circles work, given that they can be such a useful aid in conflict resolution. I was looking around the web a bit and found the following URL, which contains a concise and effective description of them. Please feel free to check it out as thou wilt: http://www.stonedragonpress.com/wicca_201/how_do_i_use_it_b.html

Best regards,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Conflict Resolution presentation seemed to go OK

2004-11-12T06:19:51Z

Hi folks,

OK, so here I am, back from BR feeling tired and jet-lagged, but otherwise basically OK.

Of the four programs I did, three involved communications, community building, or conflict resolution -- negotiation, social games (especially the fishbowl game) and conflict resolution within the BDSM community. The other was on rope bondage -- gotta tie up a few hot babes now and then, don'tcha know. <G>

We had a chance to do a talking circle practice session during the conflict resolution program. While I'm still awaiting the "official" feedback, the people in the room certainly seemed to find it rewarding. I had several people ask if I could come to their area and do a similar program. (Of course I said yes.)

I consider it progress.

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

Contract Sample

2004-11-01T20:39:15Z

I was wondering if any one knows of a sample contract online somewhere. Or a word document. I would like to see a sample contract between a Dom and a submissive.
When I joined the tribe I didn't think I'd would need it soo soon. But it's better to get to right going in than have to deal will problems later on :) Thanks

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 22 replies

Conflict Class in Berkeley, Calif. 11/10 - 12/15/04

2004-10-15T23:46:48Z

[This class isn't explicitly kink-oriented, but is certainly germain to the issue at hand here. --S.V.]

TRANSFORMING CONFLICT INTO COMMUNITY
AND ENEMIES INTO ALLIES

Conflict, for better or worse, is a fact of life. Our beautiful country is divided along political, racial, and economic lines. Our exquisite world is torn by war and injustice. Our loving relationships are punctuated with stress and tension. How can we stand up for what we feel is right without becoming the thing we are fighting against? How can we facilitate when a conflict is painful and complex?

Worldwork invites and values all points of view, as well as the emotional reality of conflict situations. This follows the belief that every position should have a voice, and that marginalized views and communication styles sometimes need support in order to be heard. The inherent wisdom of a group or community emerges when all parts are expressed and have a chance to interact. The same dynamics that create conflict, when handled with awareness, can create understanding,
reconciliation, and community.

In this series of classes, we will learn about some of the dynamics that cause conflicts to cycle and perpetuate. We will directly address and work with issues that are present among the participants, as well as world issues, in order to learn more about how to work with conflicts in general. In this way, we will get a chance to practice powerful and effective tools that can help us to create intimacy, community, and social change.

TIME: 7pm to 10pm

DATES: Wednesdays Nov 10, 17, Dec 1, 8, 15

COST: $20 per class (Need-based fees considered)

CONTACT: Lane (510) 558-8805

WHERE: 1452 Cornell Avenue. Berkeley (Please park in lot across street)

All are welcome to the first class. Commitment required after first class.

WORLDWORK offers powerful and effective tools that can help us to work toward wholeness, well-being, social justice, and community. Developed by Arnold Mindell, Ph.D. (author of SITTING IN THE FIRE, DREAMBODY, etc.) and his colleagues from around the world, Worldwork is based on a trust that even the most disturbing experiences - including physical illness, conflicts and world issues - can lead us in the direction of change, growth, and connection.

LANE ARYE, Ph.D. is an internationally known Process Worker and Worldworker. In the Balkans, he co-led a UN funded project working with Serbs, Croats, and Muslims on ethnic tension, war-related trauma, and community building. Lane has also worked with conflicts between high-caste and low-caste Hindus from India, anti-Semitism in Germany and Poland, as well as racism, sexism, nationalism, homophobia, and class issues in the US and Europe. Author of UNINTENTIONAL MUSIC: RELEASING YOUR DEEPEST CREATIVITY, Lane lives with his wife, Lecia, and has a private practice in Berkeley and San Rafael.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Folsom Fringe presentation went reasonably well

2004-10-15T17:49:41Z

Hi folks,

Well, I'm very pleased (and, candidly, a bit relieved) to say that my presentation on "Conflict Resolution Within the BDSM Community" at Folsom Fringe in San Jose a couple of weekends back went reasonably well.

I didn't have tons of attendees (what with not having a hot "naked girl gets whipped" type of demo associated with my program) but those who did attend liked it a lot -- according to my evaluations.

We talked a bit about the overall nature of conflict resolution, then did a demo round of the Fishbowl game and a demo round of a talking circle. That was enough to fill my 90-minute time slot. We certainly could have gone on longer.

I've been asked to do the program at BR in November, and am receiving inquiries from other parts of the country as well. Given the fractiousness of our community, there seems to be a real hunger for anything that can help.

Best regards,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 3 replies

Hello and an Idea from Tennessee :)

2004-10-08T02:49:29Z

Hi - I am new to this list but not to the lifestyle having been trying more or less suggessfully to manage a group in Nashville

We have our own conflicts here and are in a major community division at present - that is breaking my heart!

I run what is one of the few Fetish Community Centers in existance - at least I have not heard of any - the facility is zoned as a non-stadium seated place of assembly - with the approval of Metro Government Zoning - who knows who we are - where we are and what we do....

But due to the politics - our weekly meetings that used to average 45 - 65 with nearly 100 for special theme events - is now lucky to see 10 - 15 - it seems "they" are waiting for a bigger - better - more spectacular place - and have waited now nearly a year for it to open... LOL

today I posted a revamped Mission Statement for the facility - and I added "12 Traditions" of the Gatherings Community - I am hoping tht this will reach out and touch some of those new in the area - and maybe cause some of the oldsters to rethink their issues....

I would appreciate comments on the posting - sorry it is long - and I promise I will be briefer in the future LOL

Kia

Gatherings Fetish Community Center

Mission Statement:

The mission of Gatherings Fetish Community Center is to establish and maintain a safe, secure, and accepting location for those drawn to the various aspects of the B/D D/s S/M lifestyles to meet others and find support and strength in numbers. Through interaction within the community at Gatherings we can all continue to grow in knowledge, acceptance, and self-actualization and will thereby gain individual safety as well.

Current and Future Plans for the Facility:

Gatherings remains a fully functional support and social facility. It has seen many vast improvements over the years since its purchase for the community in 1997. Future improvements will include a 1,200 sq ft (30 by 40 by 16) addition on the right side of the building, followed by a 1,200 sq ft (30 by 40 by 18) renovation that will replace what is currently known as the main dungeon. Prices for materials have been estimated at $10,000 each addition and can be implemented as community support for the facility governs. We have reciprocal parking agreements with our neighbors to accommodate the attendance at Gatherings events.

Uses of Gatherings: All income for the use of Gatherings will go into expenses of the facility and future development of the facility.

Appropriate use of the Gatherings facility will be:

1 – To be a contact point for those searching for support of their lifestyle interests

2 - To host educational and support discussions/demos as requested by the community

3 – Maintain an educational library and resource center for members of the community

4 – Host social, support, play and theme events for the community as a whole

5 – Be available as a site for private events held by the various organizations and individuals who work for the good of the community as a whole.

6 – Be available for private use of individuals on an as available basis for private expression of personal needs

7 – Be available as requested as a home for office space for other leather community organizations for business meetings, a postal address, a contact phone number, etc. ALL legitimate organizations are encouraged to post a bulletin board of information of the organization, its purpose, contact information and calendar of events. It is up to the organization to keep the bulletin board current and updated. Flyers and handouts for all such organizations can be left at Gatherings for distribution to interested parties.

8 – Be available for individual one on one training private training sessions for those individuals who wish such instruction. For example for a couple who wish to learn – one on one – the techniques and safety of specific BDSM procedures and practices under the supervision of a mentor. (This is NOT intended to imply Professions Domination sessions, as Gatherings is not a Commercial Pro Dom facility.)

Location of Gatherings:
In order to be accessible to the greater community, the location of Gatherings can be now be distributed to potential attendees of the functions and programs to be held at Gatherings via flyer, phone, snail mail, map quest, and e-mail.

All such distribution of location should also instruct potential attendees to arrive and leave the facility discretely and not to draw negative attention to the location. This is a change in policy. However, there have been many events held over the last few years in which the location was published without negative repercussions. It is felt that by being more accessible it will be for the greater good of the community as a whole.

The address of Gatherings is 203 Shady Grove Rd, Nashville Tennessee, 37214.
Facility Phone number is 615-889-0889.

Traditions of the Gatherings Community:

1 – The welfare of the community should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

2 – For our group purpose there is but one authority – the group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3 – The only requirement for membership in the community is a need for some aspect of BD/DS/SM in ourselves or a relative or friend we wish to support in his/her interest.

4 – Individual community groups or organizations are autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or the community as a whole. Groups should strive to refrain from activities that will bring negative publicity to other organizations, individuals, or the leather community as a whole.

5 – The community has but one purpose: to support those in the BDSM lifestyle. We do this by encouraging understanding of ourselves and by welcoming and giving acceptance to those new to our community.

6 - As a community we should strive to endorse, finance, and lend our name to any outside enterprise that will benefit the community as a whole and as individuals therein we will gain acceptance and understanding from the non-leather community without endangering any of our individual members.

7 – As a community we ought to be fully financially self-supporting, each as they can, so that the financial burden does not fall on some for the benefit of the many.

8 – Knowledge, expertise, and understanding can and should be learned and passed on – member to member, so that the experiences of the few educate the many. This is also true of potential pitfalls or problems so that others can be protected from potential harm. We must share the good and the bad for the benefit of all.

9 – We should also police our own ranks, coming to the aid of the abused and withdrawing our community support from those that would use us to harm others. However, in doing so we also must strive however possible to protect those inappropriately labeled abusive as harm also can come to those accused but not guilty of abuse. This two edged sword has the potential to do the greatest damage to the community and the individuals within it and is an essential but difficult and delicate line to walk.

10 – The community as a whole should have no opinion on outside issues and its individual members must remain able to express and hold differing opinions on these issues without being ridiculed by others within our ranks.

11 – Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV and films. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all community members. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

12 - However, as a community we should also strive to increase general awareness of our needs and support the personal freedom of individuals to express those needs. Those within the community willing and able to step into the public light to fight the fight for the rest of us should have our deepest respect and appreciation.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Dealing with a couple of flies in the ointment (FITO)

2004-09-27T04:45:05Z

Just saw Jay's present at Folsome Fringe. Those of us from the 'Human Potential Movement' (HPM) in the days of yor (DoY) are all familiar with the techniques that were demonstrated therein. We in fact remember these exercises when they were 'new'.

This immediately lead me to remember a couple of points that I've actually witnessed both in the HPM and in the early days of the Bay Area community.

FITO-1 Those of us who remember the women's S&M (historical note: it hadn't gotten the BDSM lable yet) community of the 80's remember the rancor and almost intercene warfare that characterized that community. Many people individually got emotionally hurt during that period even if they weren't directly involved (and that included some male allies). But through all that process I observed that this advisorial process seemed to serve as a crucible--a training ground if you will--that sharpened the political skills of vast numbers of that community. Those that came from 'go balls out, but with honor' stance became very effective spokespeople in the larger B&D/S&M community--able to not only effectively present their case, but do all the necessary scut work of schmoozing, and lobbying, etc. to arrive at their cause (or some facsimile thereof) becoming policy. We can actually thank this process and some of these 'war hardened' women for effectively scotching the movement on the part of some during the formation of the NLA to exclude hets from the (then) emerging group.

I bring this up as an example that sometimes conflict does result in positive benifits.

FITO-2 Those of us who remained in the HPM for longer than our own good dictated saw many morphs that occured in the movement. In it's purest, rawest form--when all was new--everyones' contribution to process invention had equal weight. No one really knew what would work and what wouldn't, so everyone was open to every idea, and people were all valued equally. Then the specialization and 'therapies' process began. (This particualr phenonenon has been noted in several books describing the developemental history of the HPM.)

As one small case in point, remember the sentence: "When I see you do X, I feel Y."? Good in theory. It was a way of communicating feelings without blame. However... Soon the word "that" was allowed in the sentence. "When I see you ...pick your nose... , I feel THAT ...you are deliberately trying to piss me off..." For many the sentence was strictly in accordance with the agreed format. Even group leaders allowed this (or variants thereof) to go unchallanged. ("I see," in the parlaence of the period, "many heads nodding in recognition.") What was once a way of non-blame communication had now morphed into one loaded with blame, BUT as long as the protocol was apparently preserved, folk got lulled into thinking that the 'non-blame' nature of the statement had been preserved. (In the nose picking example, what were the feelings of the stater: anger, sadness, joy, what? One can't really tell.)

I bring this up as an example to potential mediators that whatever effective processes are developed in the field, constant vigilance must be made to preserve the essence of what makes that process work and not allow the users of the process--even the mediator (who will have presumably worked the same process to the point of boredom)--to subvert the underlying principles of success of the process.

FITO-3 I've seen various variants in the threads of this group of what happens when the participants come to the table without sincerity. This is a very real possibility, and it can happen more often than not. Examples in Northern Ireland, the Balkens, Chechnia, Afghanistan, Iraq, Isreal, etc. demonstrate that not only intragigence will make mediation diffcult (at best), but often also demonstrates that Mao's dictum of "fight, fight; talk, talk; fight fight" does indeed work. (How many times has a single 'zealot' suicide assassian spoiled the Middle East Process?)

Overall--remember in the developement of the system we're trying to develope here, falling into laxity and the recognition of others that the process can be manipulated is potentially what may do this worthy process and system in.

BTW, I for one, would like to see a weekend workshop provided on training recipiant users on the process and how to use it effectively.

For what it's worth.

Unc'

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

Conflict: Orientation Barriers

2004-09-02T08:41:33Z

Gay/Straight/Tg/Lesbian/Bi/Ts/etc.....

The text above is about the only time you will see those orientations side by side. Be it in play or in a 'community' sense.

WHY? I honestly and truly don't get it.

I am not forcing my way onto anyone. That isn't my way. But, I don't get why it is such a taboo to even talk about orientation blending at parties or social functions.

Ok, so we have the annual functions that everyone goes to. That's true. But, what I am talking about is the day to day..monthly social events, playparties, etc.

I personally don't get all squishy between the legs when I see others playing in an of itself. A scene that has an intense power exchange or a dynamic that is just mind blowing is what gets me going. So, seeing two men play..four men play.. a TS play, two women.. woman and a man.. WHATEVER doesn't really matter to me. It is the energy that those people have that I gravitate towards.

Sexual expression between two adults (or more) is an art all unto itself in my book. It can be beautiful touching and it can be brutally beautiful. Or, it can be boring as all god knows what *TO ME* and I move on. That is my choice, but I do it tactfully and respectfully. Or, I can get squicked by the act.. but not the actors.

And, just to clarify..I am not one of those who likes to get off on watching lesbians or gay men have sex. This isn't me spouting off about wanting to see more "action". (sorry for the need to put in a disclaimer).

So, could someone please explain to me why it is that every time I speak of some sort of optional 'unified community' people shoot me down?

Is this something that is possible? Is it something that anyone out there is even remotely interested in having as an option?

Has the past tainted so many in the gay community that the resentment towards ALL hets has festered beyond repair?

Has the het community still not overcome the homophobia that has plagued this society for decades?

Joanne G.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 15 replies

"I Feel" statements + Reflective Listening

2004-09-02T07:34:47Z

There's a thread on jealousy and how to deal with conflicts in the Alternative Marriages tribe, and after posting this, thought i might share it here.

Very probably old stuff that people here are already extremely well-versed in and highly skilled at, but in case it's useful to anyone perusing here for ideas while they're in a conflict, i'll re-post them here.

Hope you don't mind, even if it's (likely) redundant or ancient history to some of you...

But i am thinking of some in the BDSM subculture who MIGHT NOT turn to a tribe with the word "Marriage" in the name, yet who just might browse here (in this oh-so-precisely-named tribe), when they're in midst of tough times & need some helpful tools, quickly.

If this is Y/you, hope this is helpful!

christine.

----------

<<

You may want to try these tips I learned about many years back when I was in peer counseling training on communications:

1) Only use "I feel" statements ("I feel _________ when you ________, I feel __________ when i'm alone here"), which besides being neutral and non-accusatory, also foster feelings of empathy in the other person;

2) Never hurl accusations ("You do this intentionally to hurt me; You are trying to make me jealous; You don't care about me; You like others more than me; You don't love me"), which, besides coming across as pathetically icky, more likely than not likely driving ANYONE away, also often triggers escalating defensiveness, & just doesn't foster the good communication leading to understanding & common ground;

3) Do not, in the heat of emotions, use name-calling ("You are promiscuous and over-sexed, you're just a slut, you bastard, you're a dog, you bitch, do you know what an ass you are," etc.) -- won't help a thing, just set you back further;

4) Do not use absolutes ("you always, you never, he always, we never, you always do that with him but not me, I never hear you say that to me, you always _____ when she's around, they never include me anymore," etc.) -- the truth is usually somewhere in between the extremes, and extremes just make you into a (no-fun) whiner who exaggerates, plus they often create unneeded defensiveness in the listener.

---------

Also, both of you can try using reflective (not passive) listening, by paraphrasing to each other what you think they just told you ("I hear you saying _______, So what you're saying is ________, So let me be sure I've got this right, you're telling me that _____").

Besides assuring the partner you're listening, you care what they say, and you do understand correctly...

it also prevents your mind from racing on ahead to your next argument you're planning to reply with...

gets you more in the moment here and now...

and forces you to focus you on what that other person in front of you is REALLY saying.

>>

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 4 replies

Titleholders and Conflict Resolution

2004-08-16T19:15:20Z

With our upcoming Leather Pride Week and its Mr./Ms. State Leather contest, I got to wondering ~

What is/should be the role of titleholders in BDSM conflict resolution? Granted, different title contests have different expectations for the titleholders. Plus the fact that titleholders typically hold their titles for a year at most.

Do we expect titleholders of any sort to contribute to community conflict resolution? Can we expect them to contribute to community conflict resolution? *Should* we?

What is a good/appropriate role for a titleholder to take in community conflict resolution? I've heard a few speeches where the contestant pledges to contribute to the healing of the fractured BDSM community, pledges to bring together organizations of differing orientations and agendas, pledges to build bridges between the BDSM community and outside agencies (such as law enforcement, health-related orgs, and media), pledges to contribute to an 'open and honest community where we can lean on each other in times of need'.

How realistic, how appropriate, how wise is this? Is this a good use of the resources of the organization sponsoring this titleholder? Is it appropriate to use the titleholder as the figurehead, or is it more appropriate to make these connections with someone in a position to make longer-term commitments?

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 5 replies

Possible wrongful termination of a volunteer

2004-08-15T22:54:59Z

Hi folks,

OK, here's one. I have this friend... (As it turns out, it really is about a friend of mine.)

Anyway, my friend recently got summarily terminated (no hearing; no nuthin') from his _volunteer_ position. He's given a local non-profit more than 20 years of service (received numerous awards for it, etc.) and now he's out. Furthermore, it appears that the non-profit in question may well have violated its own rules about terminating volunteers in doing so, and may also be kicking him out as something of a cover-up. (He was making a fuss about something they were doing that they possibly might not want to see the light of day.)

There do seem to be possible internal remedies and levels of appeal, and I'm advising him to follow those.

However, assuming that his internal appeals come to nothing, anybody got any insights as to what rights and remedies a volunteer may have if they are the victim of a wrongful termination?

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 2 replies

New tribe: advanced rope bondage

2004-07-08T04:26:57Z

Hi folks,

For those of us who enjoy the subject, I've created a special tribe. Info is in my profile.

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Some delightfully seditious summer reading

2004-07-03T19:31:40Z

Hi folks,

I have the time to do a bit of fun-type legal reading over the summer, and I'm finding the book below to be a particularly delightful evil pleasure to read. Among other things, it contains wonderful descriptions of shady tactics used by police officers to trick people into needlessly providing highly incriminating information about themselves.

"Beat the Heat: How To Handle Encounters With Law Enforcement" by Katya Komisaruk, published by AK Press in Oakland (www.akpress.org). This is the best, most readable guide on how to not get yourself arrested (or worse) and related matters that I have read in years. It is also a great practical review of criminal procedure. Plus, it only costs $14.00.

I highly recommend this book, particularly to people whose work, lifestyle, or political activity mean they have an above-average probability of encountering a not-friendly cop.

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Relevant sayings

2004-05-31T16:22:06Z

Hi folks,

As I pondered the creation of this tribe, a number of thoughts came to me. One that was particularly persistent was the prayer of St. Francis of Assissi, which I have reproduced below. While I am not Christian, I find that contemplation of it helps remind me of what I am attempting to accomplish.

If there are any sayings that help you in a similar fashion, please post them to this thread.

Regards to all,

Jay

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Prayer of St. Francis of Assissi

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is offence, pardon,
Where there is discord, unity,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is error, truth,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is sadness, joy,
Where there is darkness, light.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 8 replies

What is Mediation?

2004-05-30T06:54:39Z

Hi,
I'm Miranda:) Glad to meet you all. Many may know and understand the ins and outs of mediation, however , it certainly can't hurt to establish some basics. I'll start and then others can add and refine.

Mediation invlolves bring a third , neutral party in to help resolve a conflict.

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 3 replies

Knowing when to concede

2004-05-22T14:53:00Z

When do you know that you are beating a dead horse?

And, when you do finally realize that there is not going to be a peaceful resolution, how do you back out gracefully? Or at least as gracefully as possible?

What are some of the tactics used (by others) to draw you back into the fight?
And what are some ways to sidestep those tactics?

Thank you

Joanne

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 9 replies

Regarding not giving breaths during CPR

2004-05-12T16:33:28Z

Hi folks,

OK, I confess. I am hijacking my own tribe with an admittedly off-topic post. I suppose my "justification" for doing so is that the matter referenced below is reaching "urban myth" levels and I'm posting this in an attempt to forestall it from growing too much bigger too quickly. I am amenable to discussing appropriate "punishment" for my transgression offline. <G>

Just to keep things from getting too far OT, if people want I'll delete this post and any follow-up thread in about a week or so.

Best regards to all,

Jay

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi folks,

Below is an email I received from a friend and my reply.

--- X wrote:
> Hi Jay,
>
> I subscribe to Popular Mechanics. In the most
> recent issue (June),
> there is a 1 page article on updating CPR
> methodology by removing the
> mouth-to-mouth part. It will be on their web site
> http://popularmechanics.com/ but is not there yet.
> “Articles from the
> June issue will be on the PM.Zone in the second week
> of June.”
>
> Don’t know if you have seen anything about this, so
> thought you might be
> interested.
>
> - X

Hi X,

[sigh] This is going to turn into a huge freakin'
headache because that recommendation is being so
wildly misconstrued that it's almost unbelievable.

The particular study on which this is based involves
_only_ people with no prior training in CPR who are
calling 911 while at the scene of a cardiac arrest.
It seems that those people -- that very narrow, highly
limited group -- do better when instructed to do
compression-only CPR.

There is _NO_ plan to make this a more general
teaching. In the overwhelming majority of cases,
people who have been trained to do CPR in the
conventional way, including the giving of breaths, will
be taught to continue to do it this way.

I think that the basic problem here is that many
people just don't want to give mouth-to-mouth
breathing, so they are seizing on any excuse, no
matter how flimsy, to not do it. (This is the reason
that every person who takes one of my FA/CPR classes
is given a mouth-to-mouth face shield to take with
them. I carry mine in my back pocket.)

Unfortunately, this bit of misinformation is spreading
with the speed of cyber-wildfire. I shudder when I
contemplate how many otherwise survivable persons will
be lost because of the spread of this literally
fatally flawed misinformation.

To get a more accurate report, go to www.webmd.com and
type "CPR 911" into the search box.

Please feel free to forward this as you wish.

Best regards,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

drawing out a conflict in public

2004-05-12T04:32:09Z

hey there.

what do you do if a conflict has arisen in a BDSM group you are part of (that should have just ended ages ago) but someone within the group decides to draw it out in public places on the net, like Tribe?

do you participate and try to set a story straight?

do you ignore it?

do you tell the person who is being talked about?

what if the person drawing it out is not using names but it's pretty obvious to all who know what went down that this is what s/he is talking about?

how do you continue to work with this person? or do you?

is it counterproductive to start another group?

-robin

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 2 replies

Useful resources -- URLs

2004-05-06T14:09:56Z

Hi folks,

OK, here are a couple of useful URLs that I found:

Association for Conflict Resolution: www.acrnet.org

A good communications skills URL: www.coopcomm.org

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

Why Us?

2004-04-29T01:31:34Z

I'm a "why" person.. which admittedly can be very irritating :/
In the past I have approached individuals as well as groups wih the question :
Why does our community tend to be filled with conflicts?
What are some of the characteristics about us , as a group ,that lend to so much upheaval?

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 8 replies

Post-Conflict Interpersonal Recovery

2004-04-24T18:38:32Z

I know we haven't really gotten into Conflict Resolution much at this point. But, this is where I am and I could use some sage advice.

I live in a small town. Groups have come and gone. Grudges are held and vendettas are commonplace. I took the plunge and started a new group back in September 2003 with about 8 other people. By October 2003 the group had major issues and split off into two groups.

I think saying "split" would be an overstatement. 98% of the active members went over to the other group. The members spoke with their feet based on the information they were given and/or their perception of the facts. I can't say they were wrong to feel they way they did, mainly because I believe that all feelings are valid.

When people left the initial group, they took their friendship with them. Which lead to very deep feelings of hurt and I would go so far as to say I felt abandoned by those people.

I had put out an offer to the people who left the group to have a time and a place to sit down and discuss the issues and get everything out on the table back in October. I tried to at least give some form of closure to the issues and the feelings they caused. I arranged to have two unbiased mediators (longtime respected members of the BDSM community) present to facilitate the meeting.

The invitation was sent out to roughly 25 people. I tried to make it as convenient for them as possible in regards to time and location. They collectively decided that it wasn't something they wanted to do. Now, don't think me paranoid. It is a fact that it was decided as a group not to accept the invitation.

Fast forward to present day.

Both groups are moving on & serving two different purposes. Co-existing relatively peacefully with minimal crossover in memberships. At least for the moment.

Slowly but surely individuals have started opening the lines of communication with me again.

One person and I have an unspoken rule of not discussing anything pertaining to the past. She was not a part of the drama, but she did leave the group. Her _then_ Dominant made that choice for her. So, she and I don't talk about him or the issue. In this case, I knew that the relationship had ended, and I took the risk and initiated contact with her. Our communication is pretty much limited to online since she lives some 50+ miles away. We are currently rebuilding slowly but surely, and maybe at some point our interaction will once again be real time based.

Recently, a couple and I have started talking. Again, it has been through a mutual online medium. A sort of dance type of testing the waters. It went to a more friendly type talk in email. The conversation was leading towards a real time get together at a very public place.

After a few cautiously worded friendly emails back and forth, I couldn't dance anymore. I had to lay it all out. I stated that if their intent was to rekindle a friendship that there were some issues that needed to be resolved. Feelings needed to be put out there and addressed. Not just on my part, but on theirs too. That I was not willing to sweep it under the carpet and pretend nothing ever happened. It would only fester and cause more problems down the line.

They are receptive to the idea and plans to meet at a mutually convenient time and location, are in the works.

Now, here is what tooke me so long to get to asking.

What advice would give to me to process this in a manner that is conducive to rebuilding the friendship? I am ready to hear how my mistakes affected them. I am ready to accept my responsibility in this matter.

How do I not play martyr and take all the blame, yet not cast the blame on another party who will not be present at this discussion?

How do I tactfully state that what others have done or not done isn't what is important, but only focus on the actions and feelings of those present at the discussion?

And lastly, how do I let it all go and know that I am not the only one capable of learning from my mistakes and changing? How can I trust someone once again who has done something that hurt so deeply? (my perception of abandonment)

Thanks,

Joanne
(ps..this is on a totally personal level. This has nothing to do with either group)

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 1 reply

Useful resources -- books

2004-04-23T15:44:18Z

Hi folks,

I'd really like to hear people's thoughts on useful resources that can aid in dispute resolution -- books, videos, URLs, workshops, etc.

One that I'm currently reading and finding useful is the book "Peacemaking Circles: From Crime to Community" by Pranis, Stuart, and Wedge -- it describes the use of "talking circles" in the criminal justice system to determine the offender's sentence and what else should be done in response to a crime. Interesting stuff. Among other things, offenders sentenced under this system seem to have a much lower rate of repeat offenses, and almost none for violent crimes, even if their initial offense was a violent one. You can learn more about the book at www.livingjusticepress.org

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 8 replies

Center for Nonviolent Communication

2004-04-18T20:03:15Z

Hi folks,

While I'll admit that I haven't yet checked it out yet, but I am hearing about something -- from several independent sources, all of which I trust -- about something called "nonviolent communication" which seems to hold substantial potential. The URL for their national center is www.cnvc.org and I gather that they have other centers as well, including one in the Bay Area. Apparently a man named Marshall Rosenberg has written some books on this topic and is the main mover and shaker in this particular area. Anybody familiar with his writings or their workshops?

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies

Any success stories?

2004-04-14T00:32:56Z

Hi folks,

Does anybody have a story that they would like to share about a successful conflict resolution (from a small matter to a large one) that they were involved in?

Regards to all,

Jay

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 3 replies

Why I'm doing this

2004-04-09T19:02:32Z

Hi folks,

As I travel around the country, I find that every group is burdened and harmed by internal strife and feuding. It seems that we frequently, even usually, do more harm to ourselves than is done by any outside group. Thus, I have created this tribe.

While not all conflicts can be resolved, and while there are certainly such things as irreconcilable differences, I believe that we can become much better at resolution and reconcilation than we currently are.

I'm hoping to use this tribe to promote the general value of resolution, to discuss various resolution techniques such as negotiation, mediation, arbitration, fishbowl, talking circles, personal communication skills, and so forth.

I hope that we can share resources and information such as books, training programs, online resources, and so forth.

Best wishes to us all.

Jay Wiseman

posted in BDSM_Conflict_Resolution - 0 replies